Loading document…
Opening in Pages for Mac...
Your browser isn’t fully supported.
For the best Pages for iCloud experience, use a supported browser.
Learn More
Cancel
Continue
Dog Dish 015 — Welcoming, Pt 2
Arf! Pup Aechus here with The Dog Dish, a paw’d-cast all about puppy play and the humans
behind the hoods.
This is Part 2 of a pair of episodes about helping folks feel welcome at events. You don’t need
to listen to Part 1 fi rst, but I do want you to know you’re joining in the middle of a
conversation. If you haven’t heard the other episode yet, you should at least queue it up after
this one’s fi nished.
As a reminder, each of these two episodes starts with a brief example from my local
community that shows just how important, how simple—and how potentially forgettable—it
can be to make new folks feel welcome. Those are followed by stories from folks who go out
of their way to make sure new people feel welcome in their regular spaces, along with pups
who have directly benefi tted from those efforts. In each case, the person who felt welcomed
reached out to me with the story, and the person who welcomed them was kind enough to
join us for the interview.
At the end of this episode, I’ll recap everything from Parts One and Two with a list of
suggestions for newbies and regulars alike, in an effort to give you some ideas of simple,
practical things you can do at your next event (even if it’s your fi rst!) to make it the best it
can be for everyone involved.
Roger
Let me start by pointing out something really important: When you’re used to a group or an
event or whatever, everything about it is normal for you. But for a new person, everything is
novel, everything needs processing, and if most folks there know each other, it can seem
tough to break into conversation. A small act of inclusion from a regular can mean the world
to a newcomer—even though it might feel insignifi cant to the regular.
This fact came back to bite me recently when chatting with my friend Roger.
Aechus:
Th
e the thing that prompted this conversation, if I recall correctly, was that
you
,
Roodee,
and I were standing in all night skate. We were just chatting about chit chatting
about who knows what and I mentioned offhandedly that
Roodee
was the fi rst pup I had ever
met in Brooklyn, and therefore he has a soft spot in my heart and there's nothing he can do
about it. And you like without skipping a beat. Just turn to me and go
,
“
Yeah, you were there
at
my fi rst p
u
p event too.
”
And I had this blank
e
xpression on my face. Maybe did not register.
I had no idea that I had met you. Then I had no idea that that was your fi rst event. I had no
idea that we had connected like it's I drew a complete blank and I felt so horrible because
from my recollection, like. And I still don't like saying this to your face, but like I don't
remember you as part of that evening.
Roger: Oh my God.
Aechus: Right, and that's why that's why I feel awful because you brought it up so
quickly and so immediately.
Roger: That's OK, yeah.
Aechus: And you made it sound like it was like a big deal. I was like, oh
shit
, like I have.
I've written that out on memory or something like that, and as we talked I I recognized oh
wait, no, we did have a conversation. And I do remember the fact that we talked the details
of that conversation are lost in my head for whatever reason.
But I I did eventually recover
enough to be like Oh yeah, that did happen. OK, I can, at least. See that much, yeah.
Roger: I think that speaks to the nature of these interactions, right? Is that you never know
when you're at an event like this like who's there? Well, sometimes you do right, but let's say
you're seeing someone there who you don't know and you don't know if it's their fi rst time
there. You don't know how experienced they are. You don't know if they're feeling confi dent.
If they're feeling like they barely. Not themselves there at all, and It can really set the tone
for someone's entire experience, and you don't. Even know it right?
Aechus: Yep, absolutely. And and you're about to say something like you don't even know
if it's their fi rst time. And then you correct yourself. You know, like you probably would know,
that what I would add on to that though, is you probably don't know whether you're the fi rst
person to reach out to them or the. Kind of effect. You're about to have on their experience
that evening. You might know that it's their fi rst time because you're used to the scene, but
you don't know how your engagement with them is going to be perceived. Ah, oftentimes,
until long afterward.
So because my memory ain’t what it used to be, would you be interested in going through
that story and telling what you remember from that event, or what stood out from our
interactions, or that sort of thing?
Roger:
Yeah, so t
his was
the
fi rst pet in handler event that I was ever going to. Attend
, and
I
was feeling a lot of anxiety that night about like the state of my relationship and like. All of
all. Of those factors about like I should have the agency to be able to go to something like
this, but feeling very on the. Fence and I knew I wanted to be there to support our dear
friend. The previous handler of the year. Raptor who loves being showered with compliments
as we know absolutely.
Aechus: Never blushes or hides his face for any reason.
Roger: Yes and so. No, not at all. And so I wanted to go to support my dear friend too. Such a
community leader in Beacon Raptor. And so I knew that I wanted to go and so and it was the
event happened to be right around the corner from where I live. So it's very convenient. For
me to attend.
P
rior to getting involved in like the
pup
scene
,
like going to gay bars or like
queer Spaces, was not something I did very often, and so the mere fact of me like entering
this space on my own volition was like a huge deal right?
Roger: Then you add on the layer of like. Claiming sexual agency? Then you add on the layer
of it like being a kink
-
centered event and like that can induce a lot of anxiety for someone.
And I feel like I'm someone who has a lot of confi dence. I had to work for that confi dence and
it's still like, you know, an ongoing thing. But for me to like be there was a big deal. And so I
got there and Raptor wasn't there yet. I know the nerve and and and so I was just standing in
the corner with like my hood in my hand and my gay little outfi t on.
Aechus: How dare?
Roger: And I was like scrolling my phone not knowing really what to do and then. This friendly
pup from across the way says put down your phone and come talk to us. And so I. Did and I
introduced myself and this lovely pup
w
as you
Aechus
? It was.
Aechus:
I
t was me
?
Roger: Yeah, it was you that it was you all along and so you know. In in that moment. I
needed Someone Like You. I feel to call me in and like make sure that I was being involved
and like. I I don't know like in that moment I I felt very connected and welcomed and safe in
in the space to feel like Oh my God it's like I do belong here like yeah this is my fi rst time
yeah there's a lot of layers experience but like I I do belong here and like my presence is
important and so by you like weaving me into the conversation like that I was like. Right, like
these are, these are my people and I already kind of knew that from like existing online and
stuff like that. But going to your fi rst event in person and meeting the people IRL.
Aechus: That's a whole different thing.
Roger: It's a whole different layer to it.
A
nd then like here I am taking the stage of the most recent one, not even a year ago knowing
what it even was,
(
and I say
"
taking the stage
”
in an assisting role, I was not, you know,
running for one of the titles just to don't get it twisted
al
right?
)
But yeah, it's crazy. How
much can happen in such a short amount of time and like. How you know your presence in a
space or in a scene or in a community can like so drastically change from just interested in
just a short amount of time and so much of that, especially for me, comes down to the
relationships that you build with the people like that night
,
You know
,
we talked about like.
Our passions and our careers, and like where those intersected and like. I didn't even expect
to meet anyone that night who had some of the similar interests as me. And so like that felt
really powerful and. And yeah.
Like this summer
too
, I went to Montreal for
Pride
and I went to like this big puppy March and
so talk about like even an international scale, right? Like I went to a puppy event, conducted
completely in French, you know? And and even there, like I was able to fi nd a handful of
people that I like really connected with. And all it takes is one person to call you in and make
you feel welcome and listen to your story or your words. And then you can go. From there.
Roger: And sometimes those kind of connections are even more powerful than, say, meeting
someone who is involved like the local scene, right? Because like there's this idea that you're
both navigating this train together for the fi rst time. Time there's like that sense of
unfamiliarity of like navigating social norms of you know, all, like the unspoken stuff that
you're kind of like, not getting together for the fi rst time, and it's so funny that you say that
because me being there I was like I'm going to be the newest one here like everyone have so
much more experience than me. I remember I remember feeling very. Uhm, nervous, I didn't
have pause like I didn't have like leather mitts or anything to where I was like like, why like
why was that the most important thing that I was worried about? It's crazy how like your
priorities shift.
So those connections with the other people or the other pets, that’s what it’s
all about.
Aechus: I
f you were to give advice to people. Who are going to events? I'm curious what
kind of advice you would give
.
Roger:
L
et's talk about the new people fi rst, 'cause I feel like that that is closer to the
spectrum of where I might identify like along those for people who are new, I would say. Uhm,
don't be afraid to start a conversation like don't be afraid to take up space. You know you're
there and these are your people. Whether you know them. Or not, you know you're all there
for a similar purpose and a similar interest to like celebrate your identity, celebrate your
sexuality, celebrate your self-expression and that is like the unifying factor of why everyone
has come together, why everyone is present and so stuff like starting a conversation like
based on one of those topics. Or like a piece of gear. That someone is wearing or like giving
out a compliment like those are great ways to like. Start a conversation with someone that
you don't even know.
I think another
g
ood piece of advice is knowing that like it's OK if maybe the fi rst conversation
you have like you don't click with that person like there is plenty of other people that are
there that you can interact with and like. Don't be hard on yourself. It's like the an interaction
doesn't go the way that you had hoped, or the way that you had expected. Like everyone
coming in with like a different. I don't want to say agenda, but like everyone coming in with a
different kind of mindset of what they're hoping to get out of the event maybe. And so you
know, keep it moving. Like fi nd you know, fi nd your people. Don't be afraid to talk to a variety
of people, some even someone who might not normally interact with. Like those are some of
the most interesting conversations you might. End up having. What are some other things, if
possible, like going with a friend can be a way to feel more comfortable in the space and. But
that's not always practical for everyone, especially in this community, right?
Roger: Like you might be the only one you might be the only one. You know that you know
that's into pet play or pet play, and so. Yeah, don't don't be afraid like navigate the space with
the with an ounce of confi dence and it can really take you a long way. You know, putting
yourself out there and and showing that you're there to like participate that you're there to
mosh
or that you're there to talk, or that you're there to like sip on your drink, you know, or
to dance or whatever you know the activity is. Going on are. Involving yourself being present,
starting the conversations, giving out a compliment. I think those are all great. Ways to.
Navigate a scene for the fi rst time.
Roger: Some advice I would give for someone who is more established in a scene or in a
community is to look out for the newcomers. Like when you see people who don't recognize
like call them in, have a small conversation and offer to buy them a drink like those are all
things that can make people feel more welcome.
It can be very tempting and very easy, and
I'm fi nding this too now that I'm like have some friends in the scene and like I'm making
connections that it's so easy to just to gravitate to the people that you always talk to and that
you are always friends with. Like you know you're going to have a great conversation with, but
it can almost, you know, to put yourself out there again, you know to put yourself in the
shoes. Someone who's new to like, talk to someone new or like. Put yourself in a conversation
that you otherwise might not have.
Can be
a great way to just like I don't know, wield your
social capital in a responsible way or in a kind way. And I, I think those people are going to
notice that like people. Well, I I know when I started going to events and I would see people
who I knew from online and they would take the time to talk to me and like get to know me.
That made me feel so special and like feel so welcome. And so I I would say for someone who
is established like taking the time to get to know the new people to really go a
long way.
Aechus: I forget the little like mental mnemonic that people used to try and keep this
in mind. It was either the Pacman concept or the idea of like leave a space, but it went
engaged in conversation with with other people. Always make sure there is a space, a physical
space. In the circle of people talking for a new person to walk in. And if a new person does
join and then closes the circle, then Pacman it again and and rearrange to open up another
space so that other people are always welcome to join in. And that way you know if somebody
wanders up, they don't have to feel like an outsider, both physically and like emotionally.
They can insert themselves into conversation. And then if. It's somebody that you don't know.
Once they do physically enter that space or that circle or whatever you want. To call it. You
you know to ask who they are, you know, prompt conversation. And and and. Start that whole
process of getting to know them. And I found that to be super super helpful from both sides of
the equation. I'm always super grateful whenever I would like to get to know somebody or
would like to engage someone in conversation and I notice that there is a space for me to
easily and comfortably navigate into where they're standing. And then I've also very much
appreciated what happens
w
hen I leave space for other people to join because then, just like
random conversations happen because it's it's something that I don't even have to go do. It's
like someone will just walk up and provide new conversation to the person, the the people
that I'm chatting with because they will insert themselves into our discussion and it's always
just delightful.
Roger: Yeah, I think physical space like that's a huge one like making sure that people like like
are literally able to enter. You know what's what's happening and what's going on. I think that's
huge and. Yeah, like allowing people to take up space and like, because ultimately that's what
we're all there to do, right like? This is a group of people who might feel like marginalized,
like most likely feel marginalized in like a grand societal sense, right? But then, even within
their subculture, there's this idea of like, well, we're all like
kinky
or whatever, or like we
don't necessarily fi t the mold of what a lot of like the social narrative is pushing. And so all of
the people. Attending this place like are coming with some sort of like wound, right? Or like
some or like some sort of baggage or emotional baggage. Or you know everyone there because
in some respect they feel like maybe they don't fi t in
,
right
?
A
nd so keeping that in the back
of your mind, I think that's another piece of advice I would give to someone who's. You know,
is reminding yourself that this is supposed to be like a little silly, like we have a bunch of
people that are in this space role-playing as animals, which, like I love to do, and it's also very
silly. So like keeping that in mind too. Uh, can help like put things a lot in perspective as well.
For anyone who is feeling anxious about attending an event for the fi rst time. Knowing that
it's a playful space that it's supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be light supposed to be. Joyful
yeah.
Orion & Wombat
Let’s turn now to my last interview, this time with Pup Star Orion and Sir Wombat. They’re
going to discuss helping others get started in the community by reaching out to get someone
over the hump of feeling excluded.
Orion: Yes, I am
Pup Star
Orion. I use he him pronouns. I am the social outreach coordinator for
Obsidian LA Co, founder of the support group chronically
kinky
. And and the co-founder of the Ruckus
Petplay Pack.
Wombat:
H
i, my name is Sir wombat uh, I'm also doctor Eric Jones. I am the CEO of Wombat
mental health services. I am the head of
a Leather
family and I am defi nitely a
two-
spirited indigenizing
person
.
As with Crow & Spike from Part 1, Orion and Wombat distinctly remember how, when, and
why they met. Their experience echoes the stories I opened with, where a small gesture from
one person can make a world of difference to someone new, but they take the situation to
the next level. A while back, Orion made a comment online about a memorable fi rst-time
experience he had, and I just had to bring him on to tell us how that whole thing went down.
Orion: Alright, alright I
can do that.
Wombat: Tell me a story.
Orion: Oh,
I got lots of stories
.
Wombat: Mmmm.
Orion: S
o this is
The LA P
u
p 2018 contest. So it would be November 2017. So for me it starts off with
the meet and greet.
I walked in, immediately clung to the wall, which people who know me would probably fi nd that concept
laughable now. But I didn't know a single soul and I was terrifi ed
I had my little hood, but I didn't talk to
anybody new
and like didn't really do any p
u
p stuff.
L
ike it was it was enough that I got out the door
for
me at that point
.
This is my fi rst time going anywhere alone and immediately I. I remember I walked
through the door and leaned against the wall just on instinct and
Pup Rush
saw me and immediately
broke from the crowd, walked directly to me and said you're a good boy. I just know it. And he was so
welcoming and so nice. And he took me by the hand and introduced me to every single person in the
bar, and made sure that that I was always with somebody, and that he would start conversations for me.
To you know, jump into and then he would walk away and leave me talking to people and I felt. So happy
you know, like I, this was something that I hadn't fi gured out how to do myself yet
.
A
nd so the the the next day, the day of the contest,
I walked through the door my at the time partner
was gonna meet me there
so I was there alone. I was waiting for them to get there and I hated it. I
absolutely hated it. I felt somehow worse than I did the night before and I think a big part of that was. I
didn't see myself in anybody. I didn't even see a part of myself. Everybody was thin and white and half
naked and like that's great if that's who you are.
But as like a short fat like Latino trans person, I just
didn't feel good.
At this point I was probably about two years into being on hormones and hormones was kind of a slow
burden for me in some areas, and I hadn't had top surgery yet and I was still grappling as to whether that
was something that I wanted or when it was the right time and. I had a lot of like insecurities about my
body so I felt like I was clothed more than anybody. Everyone knew somebody and I clearly did
n’t. A
nd I
h
onestly, consider it one of the most isolating experiences in my life was that, like maybe half hour that I
was there alone and I was really grappling with what to do.
And at some point I decided I should just go home. This isn't for me, maybe this is something that I can
do. At home, but it's not something that I can do in public. I don't belong of these spaces clearly, because
no matter where I walked and how many people I looked towards like it was like I was invisible. And it
hurts so much that I remember like settling in one of the main rooms and pulling out my phone and
seeing like how much an Uber home would be. And I was about to click confi rm when there was a part
of me that said just just look at the room one more. And I was hovering over that button and I looked up
and I kind of gave the room like a one last like chance. So please somebody noticed me?
And it was then when I caught
Sir’s
eyes and I saw that like like we just locked eyes in that moment and I
remember Sir was like in his leather head to toe and when a gloved hand just waved me over and I
remember being confused at fi rst 'cause I was like I don't know, you don't know me. But clearly you're
gesturing for me to come over, so I put my phone away with the Uber app still open. Uh, just kinda
walked over.
I don't know where this is going but I'm leaving right after this. I'm gonna like, you know, text my partner
to not. Come so I walked over and it was. It was something about like how. Uhm, in like like like
insignifi cant, but in the best way. That interaction was because all Sir said was I like your hood? Where is
it from? And then I gave him like I went from Wolf striker. And he said. Yeah, it's supposed to be a
specifi c breed, right? Can I guess
?
S
o yeah, sure. And then he thought for a second he goes no. It's on
the tip of my tongue, but I can't quite remember it's not a French bulldog and I said no. It's a bull terrier
and he was oh like the target dog, right?
I go,
yeah, that's it. And then he said, well, this is my puppy and
he introduced me was
puppy
and I said hi and I looked back at him and he said, well it was really nice to
meet you. I'm Sir wombat and I shook his hand. And then I walked away. 'cause to me that was the
indication this conversation's over.
And then I walked towards the entry and there was my at the time partner arriving
We took our seats
and they introduced the contestants. And then they introduced the judges. And I saw, Sir, stand up and
wave and
then it clicked with me that this person who like wasn't this like skinny white, you know. Uh,
just like looks like everybody else. Person like this poster child of what I assumed a pet player looks like
and any you know side of the slash was not only here and existing, but. Well respected and his opinion
mattered to these people and people knew him and I just thought. Well, if you can do. It I can do it.
Wombat:
I didn't know about all of those things until later. Orion had explained like grabbing it in
'cause it was just a brief exchange. It really was a brief exchange. UM, that didn't really seem. In the
moment. Two like the gravity in which someone could feel welcome
in
, uh, I didn't know that they were
going to leave that like that, you know, and and how much. Things can change with a brief interaction,
you know, and I think that's a really cool perspective. To be able to say, like all things in life, are like that.
You know, like there's always that small little butterfly effect of. Well, this person said hi to me and and
now it changed the course of history and over time we did get to know each other
.
Orion: But I had that in the back of my head every time I saw like an event that needed volunteers or
like a niche that needed fi lling. I thought, well, if he can do it, I can do it and this is how I do it. I never
wanted somebody to feel the way I felt again and new people would, but I didn't want that to be the
norm and I just kept pushing and pushing and pushing
A
nd then and through fun I guess. Dumb luck I. I ended up at an event with Sir. And I remember Sir came
up to introduce himself and I said, no, no we
met,
and he said cool, do you want to play Frisbee with my
puppy? I said absolutely, and I feel like the rest of his history and that's that's how all her interactions
were. They were always super lighthearted
Aechus: So what's the secret?
Wombat: Well, I I don't think I have a secret, I think, uh. I'm a very welcoming person in general, so
like and I'm also very plain also, uh, I think that's one of the reasons why I enjoy some of the
conversations that we. Have around because for me sometimes I struggle with UM. I I it just seems
confusing like wouldn't you just say yes or wouldn't you just like ask the question? I don't hedge too
often, uhm, so I also sometimes miss context. So like when people want to have sex, they'll just. You
know I'll go kind of over my. Head, but then they. Should say like hey, you want to have? Sex and I'll say
oh, OK, yes, uh. It's pretty like I'm a. Pretty a pretty easy person
.
A
nd I think. I don't know, I just think like most events that I've ever gone to in a leather setting, it's
extremely important to for one to be welcoming. And I think. I, I think the cool thing is, is is it has doesn't
have to be like so serious all the time.
A
nd the second time I met a or I I didn't remember right off the
bat. I meet a lot of people sometimes and so and especially if I'm flogging people playing, I and may not
be in my right mind and I may touch a lot of people, but I may not necessarily like fully. Remember their
name? I remember what we've done, but maybe not so much the name so, but uhm. As we circulate
spaces, it's you know
.
Y
eah, of course there's a little cutie pup like hanging out and I love those kind of terriers. Target dog and
you know like it was unique and I didn
’
t
think two thoughts about how important it was. But that's what
typically I would love. To do
.
It
’
s really important to be able to invite people to come out and just kind of enjoy ourselves or create
new spaces, because often it is really just white sis heterosexual, and I don't vibe with those particular
spaces and I've been to spaces where clearly I'm not meant. To be there. And and and it feels awkward.
And it feels different. And it feels a little weird and I'm looking for out of safety where who, who I could
possibly. Ah, say hi to over the years I haven't like. I just kind of create my own space and, uh, and that.
Seems to do well.
Ah, for me, but. For the most part, I think it's extremely important to be able to offer
just say hello to people you know, be friendly and and be able to create community.
Aechus: One thing you said a few minutes ago when you were like leading into your part of the story, you
said that you. You're normally a very welcoming person, or that it's it's natural for you to just be
welcoming. I think was the way that you phrased it, and I'm wondering if you'd be able to. Talk a bit
about what being welcoming looks like or what you do that makes you a welcoming person. In other
words, if if I've got a listener who doesn't see themselves as a welcoming person or doesn't know how to
be welcoming, do you have suggestions or guidelines or advice or anything?
Wombat: Uh, sure. I mean for your listeners who don't know what I look like, I am a not very tall
but I can head to toe look like leather. I could be femme presenting I could be mas
c-
presenting
,
a huge
bull ring, have lots of tattoos. I have very delicious, a dark skin and curly. Black hair have Gray in my hair
and most people when they would see me that they don't know me will often say things like you look
like the meanest person in the room sometimes.
And I don't think that they usually try to mean that as a compliment, but. They don't, and they'll come to
me and say, you're. The nicest person in the room. Half of the time it's just me talking with folks half of
the time. It's really just me saying hi, how are you and smiling up, smiling and then also like? Again, I
show my
ass
a lot or like I'm half naked and people will often.
Aechus: That does help.
Wombat: It does help you know. But little honey on myself and just wait, I I'll be alert.
Aechus: Wait for the flies to show up.
Wombat: Yeah, it's one of those things where it's. I think if people ever struggle with being friendly
or welcoming and what that tangibly looks like, it can look like smiling. Having a conversation simply not
putting so much importance. I think people get really hung up on what should I say or should I? Should I
present it this way and it's not so much about how
,
like what you're going to say to. Them it's more
about how you can come together on topics that you might share interest in, you know. And we just
happen, so happen to be at a
pup
event. And I love puppies. I love gathering.
Aechus: Imagine the coincidence.
Wombat: All the sizes. You know, like what are the odds and.
Orion: Well, we almost have something in common.
Wombat: But I mean it's I mean at any space, whether it's a kink event or leather events or just
outside. I talk with almost anybody and I get that from my mother. I get my parents do that like it's just a
community type of way to connect with folks. Hey hey you. Like let me talk to you. I don't know who you
are, but we'll get to. We'll get to fi nd out. And uhm. So I guess it's just like tangible ways of just like
smiling. And, uh, connecting with, just like maybe some tidbits about yourself. Something that maybe.
You're impressed about about yourself, or maybe something that you're very proud of. Uh, maybe
waving your genitals around would be just as good. I mean, there's tons of ways. There are really tons of
ways to be able to connect with people without even saying anything, you know. No, uh, a good wink
and a nod or you know?
Aechus: Or even just like having your face brighten up or lighten up when you see somebody that like the
excited reaction, not the puppies know anything about excited reactions upon seeing a human being
that no nothing.
Orion: Yeah daddy, yeah. Absolutely not. Never heard of such thing.
Wombat: Waving hi, you know, like uh, there's tons. There are tons and tons and tons of ways of
being able to look, welcoming and and. So, but I think it's one of the things where it's where it becomes
challenging, and I think people get hung up on like do I look good doing it or is this what is this, what it's
supposed to be like? And ain't nobody trying to like take points on that you know no one counting it's
hard to to like Oh well you know like well, I'm sorry you didn't you didn't you you didn't meet the
criteria. Would be nice, you know. It helps to be funny too, I guess.
Aechus: To have that charm, that natural charm and wit but.
Wombat: All things are not necessary. Well, I mean, I beg to differ. I I don't think things are natural.
I think people learn how to do these things. And it takes practice. So it just takes an amount, a level of
practice and a lot of failure in order to kind of hone what that skill is and not everyone thought I was.
Funny at some point and now I'm hilarious so.
Aechus: I mean to you.
Wombat: To me it's hilarious. I am the only person I need to
impress
.
Wombat: I think one of the things that it is important to be able to mention is that you have to
have that exchange of feeling when people enter into a room, you're going to know immediately, and the
more. Uh, things that you have on your belt as far as that that can provide, you know, uh, it can become
unsafe. I I check for other people who look like me, I check for people who might be able to have the
same kind of shared experiences. I do all my checks and I also see who's different. Those are some of the
things that just keep me safe in general. But to boil it down to what you were saying is feeling welcome.
But it's not. It's more than that. The
Leather
community can be a little bit more complex when it comes
to like sharing in like minded kinks and fetishes as well as community. And I know communities
is
overstate
d
it so many times, but it really is a feeling the feeling is
exchanged
. It is being able to provide a
space that people can go. I feel comfortable here
.
Mo
st times, especially when it comes to leather and
BDSM
and all of those things
, t
he outside world
looks into us and says, wow, that's weird, you know, and so when it, how could we possibly do that in our
own spaces? But it still. Happens because we're not everyone looks like the same and then the the
typical. Bodies that are around don't share the same experiences, so then they kind of don't really. View
or see people who have those other experiences. I don't do a lot of like cowboy stuff. You know, I love
pony play. Don't do cowboy stuff. Uhm, I do indigenous types of
BDSM
and what that? Looks like is. Far
different and and it it is a lot of journey work. Guiding people through mentorship. Being able to teach
people skills, passing on the knowledge of what I know all of those are. Not just welcoming, but it gives
people pathways to be able to have a better understanding of how to do things safely and and know how
to do them and then pass it on to the next person.
Orion: Yeah, I really appreciate you phrasing it that way Sir, because whether it was like intentional or
not, that's what happened, and whether that pathway was ever to intersect with you again was like you
know, up to to the universe.
I
t reminds me that like community is intentional and it's mutual.
So you're right, it's an exchange like. I'm not in community with you just because we're standing in the
same dungeon or bar,
That doesn't make us have the same end goal. The same politics, the same like
concepts of liberation.
Uhm, and when you're you know, a marginalized person, then like these things seep into everything that
you do. So like my transness my disability, my everything is intrinsically
tied
to my petplay to my
BDSM
journey to my understanding of
L
eather because I I cannot fathom severing them. So it makes sense that
like fi nding people who even whether they have that. Similarly, not sure it's helpful, but like. Also, we're
open to intentionally understanding that. Can also make community.
Quick Recaps
Okay, that was a lot to take in. Those were some involved, personal stories.
To help emphasize each guest’s insights, let’s recap real quick with some guides for how best
to navigate situations, spaces, and events—from both sides of the newbie/regular equation.
I’ve also posted these lists on this episode’s page of
DogDishShow.com
to make sure they’re
easy to refer to later.
For Newbies
First, let’s talk through things for new people to remember.
1.
Before the event, c
onnect with someone online and plan
to
fi nd them at the venue (or
earlier that day if you’re not comfortable fi nding the location by yourself).
2.
When you arrive, fi rst fi
nd your touchstone. Ask
that person
for introductions.
3.
Don’t be afraid to take up space and start a conversation. These are your people,
regardless of whether you know them yet.
4.
In new conversations, s
hare your name, story, interests, and needs. Ask for help fi nding
others with shared interests (because
the people you meet probably
know the room
already).
5.
Remember i
t’s okay if you don’t click with the fi rst person you meet. Talk with a variety to
improve your chances of
fi nding
connection.
6.
If you need a break, leave the space. Step outside for a bit, use the bathroom,
and so on
.
Avoid using your phone
in the crowd
because
you become
a ghost—there but not present.
7.
After the break, re-enter the space and select one person to reconnect with.
Show you’re
there to participate.
For Regulars
If you’ve been to an event before, you probably don’t need as much help navigating the
space. But that familiarity means you’re the perfect resource to help other people who don’t
arrive with the same confi dence. Here are pointers for regulars:
